Bittersweet
by frozenpixie
Summary: In Remus Lupin’s fifth year, he discovers that moonlight can be beautiful... when it’s illuminating the face of a certain Ravenclaw prefect, that is...


In Remus Lupin's fifth year, he discovers that moonlight can be beautiful... when it's illuminating the face of a certain Ravenclaw prefect, that is...

Remus Lupin was about to do something extremely out of character. He was in the Library. That was most certainly not out of character, for Remus must have spent half his life for the past five years at Hogwarts with his sandy brown hair flopping into his face, head bent low over a book in the large, musty room. It wasn't out of character for him to break the rules either, because this was part of what he was about to do. As one fourth of the infamous Marauder quartet, Remus was no stranger to rule breaking or detention. In fact, he had spent most of the other half of his time at Hogwarts getting in and out of scrapes with his three best friends. What Remus was now about to do was something that he had never done before although it incorporated his two main activities of being in the Library and rule-breaking. He was going to hide away in a secret corner so that he could spend the night in the Library.

The reason this was out of character was that Remus had decided, on the spur of the moment, to conceal himself all night long in this familiar room full of books in order to watch a girl. And that was something Remus never did.

He knew her name because she was a prefect, exactly like him. She was one of the smartest students in the year, exactly like him. She was quiet and studious, exactly like him, with a small group of friends – ah- not exactly like his friends, because he doubted anyone in the world was quite like James, Sirius or Peter, or that anyone had such good friends as he had, but still, he thought she was enough like him to make him think they would have something in common if he ever had the courage to talk to her. He never had though, because she was beautiful, funny, intelligent and pure. And he was a werewolf.

He knew deep down it would be wrong to go anywhere near her, wrong to even give her a shy smile in the corridor as he was often tempted to do, wrong to brush his arm against hers in charms or take a seat at her table in the Library as had occasionally crossed his mind. Instead, he kept his distance and tried not to think about her cute smile, the way her teeth overlapped slightly at the front, the way her long chestnut curls escaped waywardly from her long braid, the way she looked down and blushed whenever someone teased her. When this happened, he tried especially hard not to wish that it was him making the colour creep into her round cheeks.

Today, though, Remus Lupin was feeling reckless. He was working on the last of his Herbology essay in the fading light of a summer evening, and the Librarian was just coming around to snuff out the lamps and close the Library. He noticed in a deserted little alcove that the beautiful but untouchable Ravenclaw prefect, Lenore Thomas, had fallen asleep over her own work, her curls cascading across her back and over one side of her face as she slept, concealed from the Librarian's view and blissfully unaware that the Library was closing. Normally, it would have been Remus' first instinct to wake up a person in this position so that they did not end up spending the night in the Library or getting discovered by Filch out of hours. Today, however, it took him a split second to let his conscience go hang and for once to indulge himself. As the Librarian made her way across the room, chivvying a few Hufflepuff third years away, he slipped his books back into his bag and snuck into the hidden cubby hole right next to the partially concealed alcove where Lenore slept.

The last of the lamps went out as Remus shifted into a more comfortable position, and he knew that, for the first and probably only time in his life, he was alone with the girl of his dreams. Just for this one night only, he could drink in her sleeping form and peaceful expression in the fading glow of the sunset, in the clear, silvery light of the half moon.

For the first time in his life, Remus was grateful for the light the waxing moon cast, because it lit up Lenore's face in new and intoxicating ways, the soft light casting shadows on the soft hollow of her cheek, her eyelashes sending dusky semicircles across her smooth, pale skin. He could watch her forever, just the way she breathed in and out, sending one strand of dark hair up and down in a slow, peaceful rhythm. He longed to brush it gently aside, but from his place of concealment he could not touch her, and he knew that it was too dangerous to get that close, in case she woke and saw him watching her. He was content just with the knowledge that he had the entire night ahead of him just to be in her company, to study her face for as long as he wished, because the sidelong glances he occasionally allowed himself were never long enough for him to get his fill of her.

Remus knew somewhere inside that this was an unacceptable weakness, a crush he would do better to cast away and ignore, because all it could do was hurt him. He had long since come to accept his lot in life, accept that he would never have a girlfriend, a wife, a family. He was more contented that he had any right to be, with three amazing friends who had only months ago achieved something beyond his wildest hopes, made his transformations something to look forward to and not to fear. Even going to school was more than he had ever thought would be possible. But as he gazed unblinkingly at the gently dreaming girl only feet away and yet lightyears distant from him, he wanted more. Although he had more than he deserved, in this moment it was not enough. What had been a dormant and unfulfillable dream was a powerful and painful longing permeating his very being in the presence of such sweet beauty. He had not imagined that her sleeping form could be so much more enchanting than her animated laughter or studious concentration was to him.

He had been foolish, he knew, ever to indulge this whim. In the morning it would be ten times harder to be the Remus he had to be. He found himself thinking something he had not thought for a long time. If only... If only he was not a werewolf, if only he could, like James or Sirius, send the girl he liked a flirtatious smile or ask her out to Hogsmeade. If only he could, by some miracle, be worthy of a girl like her.

But the sun was rising, a grey dawn breaking, too soon, much too soon for Remus. He was not ready for his dream to end, the only moments he would ever allow himself to spend in her company. To stay away now would be nearly impossible for even his ironclad self control to endure. If only... if only he had not opened the floodgates. But mixed into the regret and pain was a bittersweet joy that he would cherish forever. Now, before the light of the full moon took him, he would be able to picture her face, if only for an instant, and remember why the moonlight was beautiful. Because it would be the only thing that would link him, if only for an instant, to her. Lenore.

**This is a oneshot but I do have a lot more to this story in my head if anyone is interested? Feedback and constructive criticism/ complaints at the fact I have taken away precious minutes of your life with my inane drivel welcome. **


End file.
